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I know how ecstatic it felt to finally get the good news I was waiting for since I started trying to conceive. The day I peed on a stick, I could feel my heart racing until I saw those two lines appear. I knew right then that I was excited and grateful to have been blessed with a baby. I read about everything there was to know about pregnancy and how to handle my baby once they are in my arms. I even picked out a name for my little angel (Zayden, if it’s a boy and Zoey, if it’s a girl) — that’s how prepared I was to embrace motherhood, again!
But after my child arrived, something changed. Yes, I was eager to hold her in my arms, feed her and sing to her. I noticed how happy it made my partner, parents, in-laws, and siblings. I saw my first child’s eyes light up when he met his little sibling, and I beamed with joy. I was excited and eager to take care of my baby, just like I had planned. It was going to be great!
But when I got home, I started noticing that my excitement was dying, I felt emotional, and my worst nightmare was that I began to feel distant from my baby. I thought it was the pregnancy hormones, but it did not go away. A few days went by, and it only got worse. I wanted to lie in bed all day and did not want to spend time with anyone, including my little one. It was heartbreaking and overwhelming. I couldn’t help but ask myself if I were a bad mom for feeling this way. Who am I kidding? I believed that I was a bad mom. Which mother wants time away from their child?
As days went by, I felt low on energy, and it only got worse. I lost my appetite, and all I wanted to do was sleep. People around me told me that it’s normal. “You are recovering from childbirth; you’re bound to feel this way”, they said. But I knew something was different, and even though I didn’t know what that was, I knew it wasn’t normal to feel the way I felt. “What is wrong with me?”, I asked myself, time and again.
The worst part of it all was that I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. It was scary and lonely. How am I supposed to tell someone that I feel distant from my newborn? They are going to judge me and think of me as the worst mom ever. How am I supposed to tell them that sometimes I wish I didn’t have this second child or that I’m not sure if I fully love my baby? It’s appalling and makes me feel terrible for even saying this out loud. But it was what I felt, along with a strong sense of guilt.
But moms, let me tell you what no one told me — it’s okay. You don’t have to love your child the minute they are born. You can take your time to feel that closeness and joy, just like I did.
With time, I got the courage to open up to my partner. He was understanding and advised me to talk to my doctor, and that’s when I found out that I had postpartum depression. All those feelings that I was fighting were because of this condition. There was nothing wrong with me — I just needed some time to recover from my state of mind. And guess what? I did. And you will too.
For every mother who feels inadequate because they don’t feel good enough, let me tell you how difficult it is to go through something you’re going through. It’s miraculous, and you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. I urge you, dear moms, talk to your doctor. Talk to someone you trust and seek that help you’ve been putting off. Because if your mental health is not good, a lot is at stake. Not just for you but for your child too.
I also want to tell you that it’s not your fault. You are still the superwoman that brought life into this world, and you always will be. You will get through this, and you are not alone in your struggle. Stay strong and keep going on!
