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Don’t we all have these thoughts that we can’t even think of saying out loud because we are scared that everyone will typecast us as a “horrible mom”? But, we will still try our best to hide all these emotions beneath heaps of joyful baby photos on social media. We will try with all our might to ignore that the issue exists. But, that doesn’t mean that no such fear exists. And, I am here to break my silence about one such fear that I have.
So, here it goes – one of my deepest and darkest secrets is that I absolutely don’t like breastfeeding. But, it is not for the reason that you may think. It is not because of the ugly nursing bras or the sore and cracked nipples. In fact, even the tenderness and sensitivity didn’t bother me as much. In fact, I had specially requested at my hospital for special breastfeeding classes. I had also done a fair share of research on the internet. Despite all these efforts, what shocked me was how I felt when I began breastfeeding. Or, you can say what I didn’t feel.
All my fellow “mommy” friends had told me that I will feel warm and fuzzy as soon as I begin breastfeeding. But, every time I sat down to feed my little one on my favorite spot, I would feel this sudden rush of despair. And, the second I would look down to see the adorable face of my baby boy, I felt like I am failing him in some way. But, at the same time, when I looked around to see the entire living room, I would feel lost. I felt scared that I am never going to be close to my husband ever again.
Just thinking about all of this would make me all teary eyed. The emotions would completely take over my body, mind, and soul. But then, in a matter of seconds, I would be back. And, my living room would again become the coziest and safest place on the earth. I just didn’t know how to explain the utter helplessness that had engulfed me just a few seconds ago. Since I couldn’t, I would not pay much heed to it and simply move on with a smile on my face.
When my husband caught me sobbing a number of times, I would brush the questions off by saying that those were tears of happiness. And, out of that one minute of depression, what I said was genuinely true. I was not trying to lie, but I wanted answers myself before I could explain it to someone else. But, one of these days, my husband asked me quite seriously and I knew there was no getting away this time. This is when I finally had an honest chat with my husband about what was really happening with me. The fact that breastfeeding was somehow making me depressed.
我was super scared about how my husband would react. But then, what he did next surprised me. He told me that it was fine to stop. He assured me saying that our little one will continue to be well fed and healthy. And, most importantly, everyone will be happy. But, I just couldn’t do that, especially after just a few weeks of trying. But, my husband got me to agree to consult a doctor though.
Once I was at the doctor’s place, I flaunted my little one, genuinely smiling and happy. I told him how everything was great, but then casually mentioned how breastfeeding was draining me out emotionally. Contrary to my expectations, the doctor didn’t dismiss whatever I said. Turns out, I was suffering from a medical condition known as Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (DMER).
我n this condition, the lactating women generally experience abrupt dysphoria just before the milk is released. Thus, instead of feeling happy, I would experience all sorts of negative emotions at the time. I was so relieved to know that the response was not to breastfeeding, but to milk release (1).
Not many people know about it and that’s why I decided to talk about it. The pressure of being a perfect mom, at times, disillusion us towards the most obvious of things. As you saw, this was the case for me. My urge to all the moms out there is to reach out to a doctor immediately if you feel something is not right. Good luck, mommies!
